Young Men, Sex, and Urge Ownership (And Why It’s Not The Girl’s Problem)

Wow. Thank you, sir! Personally,  I still think it is important for women and girls to dress modestly. Stopping the epidemic of sexual exploitation, unbridled lust, rape, and other horrors will be a more effective fight if we work together: men and women. And that is going to require a change of attitude on both sides. Still, this was a great read.

john pavlovitz

GuysWatchingGirls
Young men, I need to tell you something; something that maybe your fathers, or your coaches, or your uncles, or your buddies never told you, but something that you really need to hear.

Your sex drive? It’s your problem.

I know you’ve been led to believe that it’s the girl’s fault; the way she dresses, the shape of her body, her flirtatious nature, her mixed messages.

I know you’ve grown-up reading and hearing that since guys are really “visual”, that the ladies need to manage all of that by covering-up and keeping it hidden; that they need to drive this whole physical relationship deal, because we’re not capable.

That’s a load of crap.

You and me, we are visual.
We do love the shape of women’s bodies.
We are tempted and aroused by their physicality.

And all of that, is on us, not on them.

You see, we actually live…

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4 thoughts on “Young Men, Sex, and Urge Ownership (And Why It’s Not The Girl’s Problem)

  1. Melody,

    Great re-posting. Thank you for giving this a wider audience. But I will say that however women (or men — we shouldn’t have a double standard. Let’s all keep our shirts on or all have the choice to take them off) should or should not dress, their bodies and their very selves are still their own province. Just because a person walks down a street naked or in fishnets and heels doesn’t give any other person any rights to her or his body. Modesty (and how are we to define that?) is fine, but no one should be punished for choosing otherwise. Pavlovitz writes:

    Sometimes, doing what’s right toward someone, even needs to transcend their attitude about themselves. If a girl you know shows too much, advertises too much, and offers too much, it doesn’t mean you can take too much, because it’s about the value you assign to her, and to yourself.

    You write that “Stopping the epidemic of sexual exploitation, unbridled lust, rape, and other horrors will be a more effective fight if we work together: men and women,” and of course you are spot on. We mustn’t tell our girls that they have no responsibility for what the choices they make, but we must remember that all too often it’s our girls who are the only ones whom society expects to take that message to heart.

    Ruth

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  2. Melody,

    Did you ever see “Philadelphia Story”? A number of things have recently brought to my mind the part where Katherine Hepburn thinks she spent the night with Jimmy Stewart, and her fiancé in the movie thinks so too. When it turns out that she didn’t, she breaks her engagement anyway because she wants to marry someone who thinks better of her than she thought of herself (I’m oversimplifying). Pavlovitz’ quotation reminded me of that (and also of the exchange where Hepurn’s character is miffed at Stewart’s because he didN’T take advantage of her inebriated state and she thinks he found he unappealing. He tells her that wasn’t case, but she was the worse for drink, and “there are rules about these things”). Every boy should watch that part of the movie.

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