April 2012 – This has been a really weird one since I left my husband. For the first few weeks, I actually couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror naked. Sorry if that’s TMI. It’s true though. Even though I wasn’t the one who had committed adultery, when I looked at myself, I felt a sharp, cutting shame that made me want to turn away, to cover up. I hadn’t anticipated that feeling and was very startled by it. To this day, I’m not really sure what to make of it. Anyhow, I followed the advice of my therapist and took a jacuzzi bath with epson salts in an effort to have a “healing, rebirth” experience (as hippie-esque as that sounded, haha ), and things have been getting better since then. I admit that, as always, it’s hard for me to see the positive when I look in the mirror, but I figure that’s pretty typical for a woman, right? At least the feeling of shame has started to dissipate.
Looking in the mirror bothers me, but that feeling doesn’t hold a candle to the utter self-loathing I feel when I look at a still image. I don’t know what it is, but every time I see a current photo of myself, my eyes well up with tears. I don’t feel like that all the time when I’m walking around experiencing my life. But somehow, when someone manages to capture and freeze me in a moment of time, I feel self-conscious and really disgusting. And I tend to wonder, “How did I not realized that I looked like that at that moment?” It’s so self-destructive I know. In all honesty, I’ve actually started avoiding the camera rather than going through the psychological trauma of having to look at myself later. And the weird thing is, in that smart brain of mine, I understand that I’m not incredibly repulsive, but I can’t seem to help having a near panic attack when I see current pictures. Another weird thing? Often, when I see old pictures, I think, “Wow, I looked really good back then. Why didn’t I realize that I looked good back then? I wish I had enjoyed it then!” It has always been this way, for as long as I can remember. So weird.
Show me a picture of myself today, and I will always be able to find a flaw. Show me a picture ofmyself even a couple months ago, and typically I’ll long to rewind time and be back in that body. What’s with that? It sounds ridiculous, I know, but I almost feel as though I can’t really see myself. Does anyone else feel this way?
Ok, speak to me, people. I want to hear from anyone and everyone. Especially those involved with porn and/or adultery. What do you see when you look in the mirror/at photos of yourself? Are you seeing reality or a warped image? Be honest with yourself.
[P.S. I am NOT fishing for compliments, so please don’t go browsing around my site and judging my pics, k? I really don’t want to go there. I want to hear from YOU about YOU.]