Lost

I lost my job this morning.

Afterward, I expected I would sit in my car and cry. But I surprised myself. I’m actually feeling a lot of peace. Maybe I will melt down tomorrow. But today I am okay.

It’s moments like these when this thing–this disease, whatever it is–becomes real.

I suddenly realize there is no going back.

This morning, I woke up, put my little ones on the bus, and got ready for the day. Nowadays that includes strapping on braces and deciding: Is it a cane day or a walker day? But then I am out the door and on my way.

When I got to work, the manager was there with my HR rep. I think I knew then. It all happened so fast. The termination letter was already sitting on the desk.

It’s not their fault. They have stuck this thing out with me for almost 10 months and been supportive every step of the way. But frankly I can’t perform the duties they hired me for. My body isn’t the same as it was then. And their machine can’t function with a broken part. I get that. I can’t blame them for letting me go.

Human Resources really is an art. There were so many terms tossed around in just a few minutes: “terminate,” “separate,” “end the relationship,” etc. And honestly, it was done in such a kind way. I have the utmost respect for my co-workers and for the company. But the bottom line is: I lost my job … which has left me to contemplate the meaning of that word: LOST.

And I am left to wonder, what exactly am I experiencing–the verb? or the adjective?

(Please pardon me as my geeky-grammar-girl side emerges. Chalk it up to a coping mechanism. *wink, wink*)

In addition to my job, I have LOST [verb] a lot of things since September.

I lost my hair!

I’ve lost plenty of sleep due to pain and stress and other crazy things.

I’ve lost some motor control, both small and large.

I’ve lost my ability to workout. *sob*

I often lose my words and feel “slow of speech.” Still figuring out whether this is a related neurological issue, or what!

I’ve lost weight because of my illness. However, I seem to be putting it back on in spades thanks to side effects of my new meds … blasted, friggin, %#$^@!)

Occasionally I have lost my temper.

The list goes on.

But at the end of the day … Do I feel LOST [adjective]? (Does your brain hurt? Sorry.)

Honestly? Yes. Sometimes I do feel pretty lost.

Losing my hair and my body and my mobility have not come without an emotional cost. Sometimes I wonder who I am. I have to dig deep.

But when I’m having a clear day, like today, I remind myself that “LOST” is only a temporary condition.

The line from Amazing Grace comes to mind: “I once was lost, but now I’m found.”

I have to believe that there is a path under my feet, and if I stay the course I’ll find my way.

I wonder what’s coming next.

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Image (header): “Imani attends to the crippled Fakir,” http://www.finedictionary.com/cripple.html

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